Change

:It's amazing, isn't it?:

You never realize it's happening until you think about where you've come from, how you came to this point, or the steps you've taken to get here. You continue living your life, unawares, and suddenly all this change gives you a nice right punch, and you are forced to dazedly reminisce of the life you once had.

I write about change quite a lot. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: we are so preoccupied with change. It's fascinating and terrifying and exhilarating... But completely necessary. Even as I write this, I am a little overwhelmed with how much has changed between my last post and the one you are reading right now.

Every once in a while, I'll go back to those older posts and remember how life was compared to how life is now. It is so interesting to me to watch how my attitude has been changing over the past two-and-a-half-years. Wow. Two-and-a-half years. That's insane to me. It feels like just yesterday I was sitting down at my desk in my dorm room in Galloway Hall at Mount Vernon Nazarene University to write these blog posts.
I have just realized that I have not stepped foot onto MVNU's campus in two years. It doesn't feel like very long ago I was struggling through the spring semester of my freshman year.

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Life... is so sweet, but so incredibly stressful from time to time. I considered naming this summer "The Sweltering Summer of Stress: Twenty-Eleven Edition" simply because it has been THE most epically stressful summer of my life thus far. I thought last summer was bad; this summer is even worse. I find it ironic that my summers--when I'm supposed to be on vacation, recovering from constant classes--have become more stressful than my semesters. I think I work too much.

This summer has made me realize, however, how vital and important relationships are to one's mental, emotional, spiritual, and, yes, even physical health. The pace of my job is such that I do not have the time to have friendships, and it has begun to drain the life out of me. That sounds completely exaggerated and dramatic, but if you work 60 hours a week you know what I'm talking about. It becomes so difficult to feed life into other people when there's nobody feeding into you. It's like... trying to be a candle flame in a vacuum. You can't burn bright when there's no oxygen to help you.

My fiancee has this incredible ability to stay optimistic through nearly everything. I don't know how he does it. Optimism must be his spiritual gift. Anyway... There are times when I find myself wanting to complain all the time, snap at people just because things aren't going so well in my head, or just throw myself a pity party because I can, especially during summers like this one. Then Jeremiah reminds me that doing any of those things will get me nowhere. He says being optimistic is the most logical path to take, because being a pessimist achieves absolutely nothing. He tells me to always hope for the best: in situations, in people, in decisions; but expect the worst. Yep. I'm marrying a very smart man.

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God is opening up some kind of door or a window for me somewhere. I can just feel it coming. Thank you, Jesus.

Growing Up

I believe it has been nearly a year since the last time I wrote in this blog. As I've stated before, I am not the blogging type. We all selfishly guard our privacy. And I am aware that very few read this blog, but I've realized that doesn't matter. We all need some kind of outlet. I just can't write as quickly as I can type. My thoughts are often haphazard; they come and go like sunshine in Seattle, and often they come so quickly and in such great numbers that I cannot separate them. I suppose that's what being busy does.

There have been frequent occasions when I look at the person I see in the mirror every day and wonder, "Who is that girl in the mirror? Who has she become? Where did the time go?"
All questions usually not asked until about age forty or so. But I asked them at age twenty. Sometimes I feel so out of place among my peers. They are still immersing themselves in the stale pastime of drinking and partying, generally making the most asinine decisions and yelling the most inane things. I don't understand it. Where is the satisfaction in that? If I don't see the answer, I must be blind. Or maybe I'm seeing.

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It still astounds me how occupied we are with change, whether we're in favor of it or not. We all think, at one point or another in our lives, that if we could change for that one person in our lives we would be happy. It would somehow work itself out. We commit to relationships that were not stable to begin with and think we can change our partner because he or she is not living up to your expectations. Obama preaches about change. The church itself preaches about change. We are consumed by the very concept of change. We are consumed so much by it that we base our entire thought process around it. She cries every night over it: "If only I could lose a few pounds from my hips, he wouldn't tell me that I need to lose weight. If I got my hair cut and colored a new color, he would love me more. If I was prettier.... I must be too much or not enough. I need to change." He agonizes over his 'failures:' "If I went to the gym and worked out for 8 hours a day she would stay with me. If I were better at making love she wouldn't be cheating on me. If I were stronger.... I have failed. I need to change." You cannot change a person, even if your intentions are good. In the end, you and the other person involved end up lying face-down in the dirt, worse off than you used to be.

I am not saying that change is generally bad. I'm saying the way we think about change isn't necessarily good.

We allow ourselves to be consumed by the 'if only' aspects of change. We fail to accept ourselves as we are... which brings us to another loophole. I am also not saying that we should be trying to change ourselves all the time. I am saying that we should be trying to better ourselves, but not for other people: For ourselves and for our Creator.

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There is so much change I've encountered in the past two years. It's almost overwhelming to start thinking about, but I know that if I don't take the time, then I will never appreciate my past and the person it has transformed today.
I truly feel like an adult now. My thoughts are adult-like thoughts. I've been making decisions like an adult. My life is changing. And all for the better.

Why is it that I have to blog when I'm frustrated? I don't enjoy these moments in life, where I can fully see my weaknesses from the Fall of Eve. My thoughts, however, seem to flow more easily when I'm typing or writing as opposed to speaking. My speaking leaves much to be desired.

Why is it that I am feeling alone? Why must I initiate everything with my friends? I feel like I have no friends left, which is not true, but...the world--and Satan for that matter--is telling me that I am useless, that nobody cares anymore, that my friends have better friends and better things to do than hang out with me. I KNOW this is not true, but it still hangs in front of me like a neon sign. It really rips at my self-confidence. Granted, I know my friends are busy with work and such. Who isn't?

My house has felt like a prison, its walls a confining cell. I feel like I can't get out of here. I love my parents dearly and enjoy their company, but I'm ready to be living on my own. I have to get money to do that though. I'm ready to be free and independent and actually feel like the adult I'm becoming. Living in Mount Vernon was the most free I've ever felt, and we were still pretty restricted for a college campus.

Mom told me that my friends probably feel the same way about ME that I do about THEM. She's probably right, as she usually is, but I just can't believe it. I just re-read "Captivating" for the 40928439th time, and it told me that nobody else can play the role I play in my friends' lives. Nobody else can do what I do. Whatever that is, I have no clue, but I know that John and Stasi Eldredge were right. God has made me uniquely me, and that my role and purpose in this world is unique to it. Nobody else is like me. I mustn't get discouraged over a decline at an invitation--people are busy.

Sigh. Lord, help me to know and understand that you have made me uniquely ME. Give me the courage and strength to put my heart out there again for my friends to see. I need you.

Thoughts

People work to find purpose, but we work because we HAVE a purpose.

No matter how frustrating negativity can be, continue to be a source of optimism.

Sometimes the only thing people need is a hug.

Sometimes people need to know they are loved.

Sometimes people need to know that you care.

Build yourself up from your mistakes.

Mistakes happen. They are a learning experience, not a chance to turn away from the world.

Trials are a part of life. Your life will be much sweeter if you learn from those trials and move on.

What happens in my day should not change who I am, how I feel, or how I act.

Optimism, when used wisely, is a beautiful thing.

Mistakes don't define who you are as a person. They help you choose who you want to be.

Share what you know with humility, and admit it when you don't know something.

God places people in your life for a reason, and those people help you grow.

Just a smile and an encouraging word can make someone's day a thousand times better.

Being real is the best thing you can give to the world.

Simply caring can change someone's life.

Being vulnerable is not always a bad thing; it just means you're more willing to be open with people.

Jesus is love! Always.

Good Things

I've been in this tossing-my-thoughts-around

kind of mood lately and it's made me a bit depressed, so I figured it's time to write about what I am grateful for--the little things in life we don't take the time to recognize. Here goes...

1. Applesauce. Normal kind, berry kind, cinnamon-y kind...any kind of applesauce. Apple juice. Juice boxes. Apple cider, hot or cold.
2. A wonderful, captivating book. A book that catches your attention, ensnares your senses, and places incredible pictures in your mind. One that keeps you thinking far after you're finished. One you learn from.
3. God's timing. It may be confusing, but it's always right.
4. Children. Somehow the image of innocence is remarkably enchanting. Children are the true epitome of joy. When children smile, the sun shines ever brighter. Children are God's message to us that, yes, innocence still does exist in this world.
5. Markers. Coloring with markers. Writing with markers. And crayons. Coloring with crayons in coloring books intended for 4-year-olds.
6. Hiking up a mountain through a rushing river. Slipping on the big rocks in that river. Receiving large and painful bruises from said rocks. Swimming in the pure pools of water. If you haven't done this...find a mountain with a river and do it. It will make you realize how amazing God's creation is.
7. Memories. They change you and mold you into who you are, good or bad. Nostalgia.
8. Scents...of wheat fields in the summertime. Freshly mowed lawns. A bonfire. Suntan lotion. Chlorine. The scent of Mom's cooking. Fresh laundry. Fresh coffee, because old coffee is blah. The smell of the morning. Right after a good rain.
9. The scent of those you love.
10. A best friend. How they share those priceless moments with you. How they cry with you...and hold you while you cry. With whom you can indulge all your secrets and she (or he) won't judge you nor tell those secrets. How you two have those inside jokes which nobody understands. The way you can communicate without words. The way you two have your own language. How she will always love you, till the end of your days. How she would rather die than betray you. Who you know pretty much everything about. How you know her so well that you can tell what she's thinking.
11. Pictures. Whoever said that pictures are worth a thousand words was dead on. The way pictures can capture so much in one second. The way they can show hundreds of emotions.
12. Laughter. The beauty of pure giddiness. Bonding shared between friends while laughing. The fact that every time you laugh, your brain produces more endorphins, which in turn makes you even happier. Plus, you lose calories.
13. A good hug. There's not much that can compare to an embrace between you and a friend or family member.
14. Art in any form. The innumerable amount of perspectives relative to art. The way art captures you.
15. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, and mouthwash. We are incredibly blessed to have such awesome tools of hygiene--seriously. England doesn't have dental care.
16. MUSIC. It is a beautiful thing that communicates what words alone cannot. There's something about putting words to music that makes those words so much more powerful. Instrumental music. A cappella music. Listening to the blending of unbelievable voices and how those voices seem to be just one voice (that's a mouthful).
17. The sounds of the cello and french horn. The sound of a powerful, passionate, flexible singing voice. A voice raw with emotion.
18. Reaching out to someone only to have them affect you at the same time.
19. Honesty.
20. The way the sun shines through new leaves in the summer.
21. Birth. I can't even describe how beautiful new life is.
22. Unconditional love. The fact that God gives us unconditional love freely and without restraint. The fact that God embodies the word Love. He IS love.
23. Correct spelling and grammar. Wonderfully formed sentences. Poetry. The way words make you think. Big words. Using big words in everyday life.
24. Fall. The irony that God gives us such a marvelous and short season just to help us appreciate it more. Thanksgiving, not just for the food, but the fellowship. Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin anything. Pumpkin-scented candles (which I have in my dorm). The autumn sunsets--they seem to be much more grand this time of year. The changing leaves. Making leaf-piles...then jumping in them. Wearing lots and lots of layers.
25. Automobiles. Those of you who have one: appreciate it. Be grateful for the fact that you can go anywhere whenever you wish. The fact that you have independence in that form. The fact that you can get up and just GO. Some of us don't have that. Thus...appreciate it :)
26. New pens. New notebooks. New planners. New journals, because buying a new one means starting another book (per say) in your life.
27. Joy. The fact that joy is contagious. The way those around you cannot help but be infected by it. The way Jesus freely gives his joy. The way He uses his Children to be vessels of joy. The fact that joy can change people. The fact that joy can never be shut away.
28. Schedules. Having one...and not having one.
29. Running.
30. A homemade meal. Nothin' can beat Mom's cooking.
31. Those people who care enough about you and love you enough to continue investing in your life.
32. Snatching the opportunity to do something for someone, even something small.
33. The Bible, because it is so real. And so true. And that it's God's book.
34. The fact that God has a plan for every one of us. That His plan is perfect.
35. Writing. The awesome way words just seem to pour out when typing or holding a pen. Writing in a journal. Emptying our emotions by writing.
36. The scent of Christmastime. The glittery and shiny glory of a Christmas tree. Curling up in a blanket in front of the fireplace with a mug of cocoa, tea, coffee, or cider...and just being at rest amid the gibberish of the Christmas season. Leaving the tree lights on overnight. Giving gifts...not receiving them.
37. The shining beauty of a fresh snowfall. Waking up to the first snow. Snow days. Snowball fights. Sledding. Untouched snow. Seeing animal's tracks in snow.
38. Feeling a fresh wind and the warm sunshine on your face. How you feel so alive when the sun's rays hit your face.
39. Sushi. Any odd cuisine.
40. Cooking. Inventing my own dishes. Scavenging through the fridge and throwing random things together not knowing if they're going to taste good when combined...then feeling extremely proud that, in fact, those ingredients made a fantastic dish. Food in general. Eating healthily. Being wheat/gluten-free.
41. Having such things as a democracy. Our economy may be in shambles, but we are still the most wealthy country in the world. We are incredibly blessed to live in this country.
42. Keeping a spare copy of the Constitution.
43. Learning. Finding out seemingly useless information that actually just force you to appreciate your surroundings and the intelligence of the human mind. For example: the longest word without duplicate letters is a 15 letter word that is, consequently, uncopyrightable.
44. Deep moral issues. Delving into my heart and mind and questioning--then affirming--my beliefs.
45. People. Helping people. Being with people. Learning about people. Observing people. Discovering all different types of people. Being vulnerable with people. Earning people's trust. Connecting with people through conversation, through music, through a shared experience.
46. That feeling you get when you tell somebody something that just makes you sigh. Releasing stress to someone. Telling someone how you feel...and they don't judge you for it.
47. Having somebody tell you you're beautiful--and they mean it.
48. Being genuine. Meeting genuine people. Proving fake people wrong: genuine people CAN survive in this world. Non-conformity.
49. The way harmony comes so easily. Dissonance. Minors. The fact that harmony makes a melody sound so much deeper. The depth of harmonies.
50. Colors. Mixing colors. Wearing bright colors. Wearing opposite colors, like royal blue and yellow, black and white, purple and red.
51. God. Jesus. Proving that it's a relationship, NOT a religion.

Human Nature

I've been struggling a lot lately with human nature.
Why are we the way we are?
Why are we such selfish, evil beings?

:: I know that the Fall made us this way, but...why do we relish in it? ::

Everything in this world is based off of the market. We sell.
We sell stuff.
We sell our personalities.
We sell ourselves.

Why do we settle for that which is so cheap? And I'm not talking economically here. Why do we place such low worth on the things that should matter most--like our lives? Why does everything have to be marketed?

I have found the irony of ironies: it is sometimes easier to live as a follower of Christ around non-believers.
I would rather be challenged by those who believe differently than I do than be bored in my walk.

Sorry for the lame post.

Beauty

Everything has beauty. We just have to see it.