Why is it that I am feeling alone? Why must I initiate everything with my friends? I feel like I have no friends left, which is not true, but...the world--and Satan for that matter--is telling me that I am useless, that nobody cares anymore, that my friends have better friends and better things to do than hang out with me. I KNOW this is not true, but it still hangs in front of me like a neon sign. It really rips at my self-confidence. Granted, I know my friends are busy with work and such. Who isn't?
My house has felt like a prison, its walls a confining cell. I feel like I can't get out of here. I love my parents dearly and enjoy their company, but I'm ready to be living on my own. I have to get money to do that though. I'm ready to be free and independent and actually feel like the adult I'm becoming. Living in Mount Vernon was the most free I've ever felt, and we were still pretty restricted for a college campus.
Mom told me that my friends probably feel the same way about ME that I do about THEM. She's probably right, as she usually is, but I just can't believe it. I just re-read "Captivating" for the 40928439th time, and it told me that nobody else can play the role I play in my friends' lives. Nobody else can do what I do. Whatever that is, I have no clue, but I know that John and Stasi Eldredge were right. God has made me uniquely me, and that my role and purpose in this world is unique to it. Nobody else is like me. I mustn't get discouraged over a decline at an invitation--people are busy.
Sigh. Lord, help me to know and understand that you have made me uniquely ME. Give me the courage and strength to put my heart out there again for my friends to see. I need you.
