I'm Tired of This.

I'm so tired of it. I'm so incredibly tired of people pretending to be something they're not. I'm sick of the acting, the lying, the fake-ness, the deception! I can't stand being around these people for much longer. I'm FED UP. I'm frustrated. I think I know 5, maybe 6 people on this campus who are real. Even my friends--the people I trusted, the people I love, the people I respected!--LIE to me. I don't understand.

I guess this is my wake-up call that all of human society is fake. The people I meet will disappoint me. Maybe that's why I have learned not to get too attached to people, because they're fake, and I WILL be disappointed. Maybe that's why I'm so independent. Maybe that's why I attract people who are hurting, people who are upset, high-stress people.

But am I a hypocrite? Am I one of these fake, deceptive people? Do I pretend to be someone else in front of others? Do I cover up my past because I'm ashamed of it, then shame others of the same mistakes I've made because of my guilt? I feel like I don't, but I guess that's not up to me to decide.

Maybe this is why I've changed so much this year. I used to be the social butterfly, always going to parties and always out hanging with people. I used to have lots of friends and preferred hanging out with big groups instead of small. When I was in small groups I always felt uncomfortable. I felt like I had to cover myself up by cracking jokes. Now that I've come here and experienced a little more of the human persona, I've realized so many things about people, so many things about myself. It's kind of ironic because this campus is SO conservative it's ridiculous. Sure, I lean more to the right as far as politics are concerned but not THAT far right. Does that mean conservatives are more liable to be deceptive? No, that would be hypocritical. Maybe it just has to do with our pasts, what we try to cover up, and our perceptions of the things that are "bad."

You know. . . the one thing I am appreciating about this "Spring Revolution" on campus is that the speakers and the worship leaders seem REAL. I was moved to tears again during worship this evening.

I stole one of the posters for this Spring Revolution because I liked it. And most of the event sponsoring/advertising on this campus is lame. Not gonna lie. It's hanging up next to my window. Anyway, these posters say:

"Is brokenness cliché? Is religion redundant?
Why do we even need a revival?
Perhaps these are the questions
you find yourself wondering.
Could our own hardened hearts
be keeping us from living the life God intended?
Perhaps we don't need a revival at all...
We need a revolution."

I love that. It totally speaks it all. We all need a revolution. We think we need revived, but no--we need to be totally revolutionized: a momentous, sweeping change; a cataclysm, convulsion, an upheaval. A sweeping change to sweep aside the pretending, the lies, the deception, the FAKE-NESS.

I dunno, maybe I'm full of crap. Maybe I'm far too much of an idealist for this to be, well. . . real. But I would rather look at life as a positive experience. Is that too much to ask?

No. Life was intended to be lived for God. I see that as a positive thing. Of course . . . our relationship with Christ can be very difficult--even tumultuous at times--but overall it is a beautiful thing.

We need a revolution.

Compliments

Worship is a huge part of my life. It's a part of who I am. I believe that I am most alive when I am singing or playing, leading people to Christ through song. There's something about being there, in that moment . . . the powerful driving beat of the drums, the melodic strum of the guitar, the glorious pounding of the piano . . . lights blaring, heart pounding, an emotional high. Something mere human emotion alone cannot fathom, create or transform.