Growing Up

I believe it has been nearly a year since the last time I wrote in this blog. As I've stated before, I am not the blogging type. We all selfishly guard our privacy. And I am aware that very few read this blog, but I've realized that doesn't matter. We all need some kind of outlet. I just can't write as quickly as I can type. My thoughts are often haphazard; they come and go like sunshine in Seattle, and often they come so quickly and in such great numbers that I cannot separate them. I suppose that's what being busy does.

There have been frequent occasions when I look at the person I see in the mirror every day and wonder, "Who is that girl in the mirror? Who has she become? Where did the time go?"
All questions usually not asked until about age forty or so. But I asked them at age twenty. Sometimes I feel so out of place among my peers. They are still immersing themselves in the stale pastime of drinking and partying, generally making the most asinine decisions and yelling the most inane things. I don't understand it. Where is the satisfaction in that? If I don't see the answer, I must be blind. Or maybe I'm seeing.

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It still astounds me how occupied we are with change, whether we're in favor of it or not. We all think, at one point or another in our lives, that if we could change for that one person in our lives we would be happy. It would somehow work itself out. We commit to relationships that were not stable to begin with and think we can change our partner because he or she is not living up to your expectations. Obama preaches about change. The church itself preaches about change. We are consumed by the very concept of change. We are consumed so much by it that we base our entire thought process around it. She cries every night over it: "If only I could lose a few pounds from my hips, he wouldn't tell me that I need to lose weight. If I got my hair cut and colored a new color, he would love me more. If I was prettier.... I must be too much or not enough. I need to change." He agonizes over his 'failures:' "If I went to the gym and worked out for 8 hours a day she would stay with me. If I were better at making love she wouldn't be cheating on me. If I were stronger.... I have failed. I need to change." You cannot change a person, even if your intentions are good. In the end, you and the other person involved end up lying face-down in the dirt, worse off than you used to be.

I am not saying that change is generally bad. I'm saying the way we think about change isn't necessarily good.

We allow ourselves to be consumed by the 'if only' aspects of change. We fail to accept ourselves as we are... which brings us to another loophole. I am also not saying that we should be trying to change ourselves all the time. I am saying that we should be trying to better ourselves, but not for other people: For ourselves and for our Creator.

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There is so much change I've encountered in the past two years. It's almost overwhelming to start thinking about, but I know that if I don't take the time, then I will never appreciate my past and the person it has transformed today.
I truly feel like an adult now. My thoughts are adult-like thoughts. I've been making decisions like an adult. My life is changing. And all for the better.