Grateful

I am astounded. I am utterly astounded by God's provision and grace. Each time I struggle through a valley, He continues to provide for me, even in my desperation.

These past two and a half months have been so, so incredibly hard for me. I have been employed since I was thirteen years old, and for the first time, I have been forced to experience what it is like to completely lack a job. And the endless, countless hours of job-searching... they are emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I experienced an onslaught of emotions, some of which were entirely new for me, and others that I had felt before, but never at such an intensity as I had for the last two and a half months.

I was angry. I was frustrated. I hurt. I felt worthless. I felt useless. I felt lazy. I felt unqualified. I felt personally attacked. I felt tired... so tired. I felt depressed, dark... alone. So very alone. I felt rejected.

I was angry at God. Yes, I realize how terrible that sounds, but it's also the truth. I was angry at Him, because I *knew* that He had put me in one of the most challenging fields in which a person can enter, and yet, every single day, I was suffering because of the choice to be obedient to Him. I found myself crying out to Him, "Why? Why? Why is this happening?? What are You trying to teach me??" I asked Him that. Every. Single. Day. It felt like nothing was changing. Every day felt the same. The same tiredness, the same sorrows, the same pain, the same worthlessness and uselessness, the same rejections, the same feeling of trudging through the heaviest grime. I began to lose hope (and, yes, I know *that* also sounds awful, but, again, it is the truth).

And, yet... Just as the sky began to look bleak and without hope, I was again astounded by how God is constant and never-changing in his mercies and provisions. He stepped in, just as I felt like it was too late, when I began to give up. Just when my checking account was bone-dry and I began to doubt that I would be able to pay my bills, friends and family suddenly began handing me money, just in time for me to pay those bills. So, gradually, something inside me began to change...

I had decided to "let go and let God" as the saying goes. I made a conscious choice to stop feeling worthless and useless and rejected. I stopped [most of] my moping. I consistently put myself "out there." I took action. It took me two months to get to that point... two long, grueling, painful months of self-deprecation. But I learned. 

And He provided. 

P.S. To those of you who have kept me in your thoughts and prayers over the past two-odd months, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Worth

It is funny to me how much we are impacted and affected by our job or financial status. Our worth, apparently, is determined by whether or not we hold employment or how much bacon we bring home at the end of the day. It is... disconcerting to gauge the reaction of a person when they are told "I don't currently have a job." They look at you with something closely resembling pity.

I am not saying that money is always bad or that being unemployed is always good. I am not saying that at all. I am simply remarking on how we equate our worth to how much is written on our paychecks.

I am in the midst of a job hunt, myself. When handing in resumes today, I caught myself almost panicking about finding a job. I found myself thinking absurd thoughts: that, somehow, I would be less of a person if I didn't get a job at *this* place or *that* place, working *this* kind of position. That, ultimately, I would be a failure. And that, I believe, is where this entire problem stems. We hold our worth equal to the job we have because, somehow, that job--and the money made from it-- defines us as a person. Well, I don't know about you, but I find that absolutely ridiculous. How messed up are we to think that little pieces of 75% cotton, 25% linen paper determine our success and our failure as human beings?!

I am not defined by the money I make, or lack thereof. My struggle to find a job does not speak of my character. I am not a failure because of the circumstances of our economy. Thank you, God, for your everlasting grace and love for us... We rest in the shadow of the cross.

I Used to Believe Caged Birds Can't Sing

Social media stirs up a plethora of emotions within me. Mostly I feel frustrated at the fact that this generation--myself included--have lost so much of what it means to form meaningful relationships with other people that we have to dissociate ourselves from reality and 'connect' through some facade we've created. Ironic, that I am creating a post based on social media.

I was shocked this afternoon whilst taking a stroll down facebook memory lane: I found myself aching for what has passed. For the person I used to be, the goals I had, the dreams, the friendships formed, the innocence. The lack of fear. The general trust I had in humanity. The joy I allowed myself to feel. The characteristics I had, but somehow lost along the twists and jagged peaks of growing up. 

The stroll down memory lane was a painful one.... Because, I realized, along those jagged-growings-up, I became blind to myself, in many, many ways. Yes, I experienced hardships, and those hardships taught me some incredibly important lessons about humanity, myself, and God's faithfulness and mercy. But I focused too much on the hardships... I embraced them and allowed myself to be consumed by them. I allowed myself to be defined by what I thought I had become... when, in reality, I had shunned the parts of me that need to be reawakened, the parts that flit across my face sporadically during a discussion with a friend. 

Why?

I let myself believe in lies. I created a world for myself that was so detached from people, so dissociated from the people who care about me; all because I thought I was protecting myself from more pain, more disappointment. I played--and still play--the victim. Why is it so hard for me to see that my brothers and sisters in Christ want to see me? WHY is it so difficult for me to accept that my brothers and sisters in Christ desire to know and love me? I do understand that all of life involves risk. Every single decision or choice we make is laden and simply dripping with risk. And, yes, that gives me anxieties. BUT... Philippians 4:6 tells us "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." We need to know God. We need to know His supremacy! We are so frail and weak and helpless--we need a holy, glorious, majestic God.

So... To all of you in Internet-land... Do not fall into the same vicious, cycling trap as I did, I beg you: do not be blind to yourself. Give yourself daily to the supremacy of God. Do not wallow in your hardships. Do not blindly believe the lies you tell yourself; do not accept the lies Satan craftily whispers in your ear. Do not live in a facade, as I have. Love others as Christ did and still does. Accept the love of your brothers and sisters. Do not create an alternate reality for yourselves! Do not be so presumptuous--as I have been--to assume you know what other people are thinking about you. Do not turn away those who love you. Do not turn from a merciful, just, and fiercely holy God because you have tried to protect yourself--as I did--from the inevitability of risk. Living in this world following in the footsteps of Jesus is risk in itself. But what a beautifully terrifying and glorious following it is! 

Allow yourselves to love others with passion and the boundless love that is founded from God.

The Supremacy of Christ Symphonic Sermon Jam -- John Piper