I was shocked this afternoon whilst taking a stroll down facebook memory lane: I found myself aching for what has passed. For the person I used to be, the goals I had, the dreams, the friendships formed, the innocence. The lack of fear. The general trust I had in humanity. The joy I allowed myself to feel. The characteristics I had, but somehow lost along the twists and jagged peaks of growing up.
The stroll down memory lane was a painful one.... Because, I realized, along those jagged-growings-up, I became blind to myself, in many, many ways. Yes, I experienced hardships, and those hardships taught me some incredibly important lessons about humanity, myself, and God's faithfulness and mercy. But I focused too much on the hardships... I embraced them and allowed myself to be consumed by them. I allowed myself to be defined by what I thought I had become... when, in reality, I had shunned the parts of me that need to be reawakened, the parts that flit across my face sporadically during a discussion with a friend.
Why?
I let myself believe in lies. I created a world for myself that was so detached from people, so dissociated from the people who care about me; all because I thought I was protecting myself from more pain, more disappointment. I played--and still play--the victim. Why is it so hard for me to see that my brothers and sisters in Christ want to see me? WHY is it so difficult for me to accept that my brothers and sisters in Christ desire to know and love me? I do understand that all of life involves risk. Every single decision or choice we make is laden and simply dripping with risk. And, yes, that gives me anxieties. BUT... Philippians 4:6 tells us "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." We need to know God. We need to know His supremacy! We are so frail and weak and helpless--we need a holy, glorious, majestic God.
So... To all of you in Internet-land... Do not fall into the same vicious, cycling trap as I did, I beg you: do not be blind to yourself. Give yourself daily to the supremacy of God. Do not wallow in your hardships. Do not blindly believe the lies you tell yourself; do not accept the lies Satan craftily whispers in your ear. Do not live in a facade, as I have. Love others as Christ did and still does. Accept the love of your brothers and sisters. Do not create an alternate reality for yourselves! Do not be so presumptuous--as I have been--to assume you know what other people are thinking about you. Do not turn away those who love you. Do not turn from a merciful, just, and fiercely holy God because you have tried to protect yourself--as I did--from the inevitability of risk. Living in this world following in the footsteps of Jesus is risk in itself. But what a beautifully terrifying and glorious following it is!
Allow yourselves to love others with passion and the boundless love that is founded from God.
