These past two and a half months have been so, so incredibly hard for me. I have been employed since I was thirteen years old, and for the first time, I have been forced to experience what it is like to completely lack a job. And the endless, countless hours of job-searching... they are emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I experienced an onslaught of emotions, some of which were entirely new for me, and others that I had felt before, but never at such an intensity as I had for the last two and a half months.
I was angry. I was frustrated. I hurt. I felt worthless. I felt useless. I felt lazy. I felt unqualified. I felt personally attacked. I felt tired... so tired. I felt depressed, dark... alone. So very alone. I felt rejected.
I was angry at God. Yes, I realize how terrible that sounds, but it's also the truth. I was angry at Him, because I *knew* that He had put me in one of the most challenging fields in which a person can enter, and yet, every single day, I was suffering because of the choice to be obedient to Him. I found myself crying out to Him, "Why? Why? Why is this happening?? What are You trying to teach me??" I asked Him that. Every. Single. Day. It felt like nothing was changing. Every day felt the same. The same tiredness, the same sorrows, the same pain, the same worthlessness and uselessness, the same rejections, the same feeling of trudging through the heaviest grime. I began to lose hope (and, yes, I know *that* also sounds awful, but, again, it is the truth).
And, yet... Just as the sky began to look bleak and without hope, I was again astounded by how God is constant and never-changing in his mercies and provisions. He stepped in, just as I felt like it was too late, when I began to give up. Just when my checking account was bone-dry and I began to doubt that I would be able to pay my bills, friends and family suddenly began handing me money, just in time for me to pay those bills. So, gradually, something inside me began to change...
I had decided to "let go and let God" as the saying goes. I made a conscious choice to stop feeling worthless and useless and rejected. I stopped [most of] my moping. I consistently put myself "out there." I took action. It took me two months to get to that point... two long, grueling, painful months of self-deprecation. But I learned.
And He provided.
P.S. To those of you who have kept me in your thoughts and prayers over the past two-odd months, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
