The Fall

Why is it that I have to blog when I'm frustrated? I don't enjoy these moments in life, where I can fully see my weaknesses from the Fall of Eve. My thoughts, however, seem to flow more easily when I'm typing or writing as opposed to speaking. My speaking leaves much to be desired.

Why is it that I am feeling alone? Why must I initiate everything with my friends? I feel like I have no friends left, which is not true, but...the world--and Satan for that matter--is telling me that I am useless, that nobody cares anymore, that my friends have better friends and better things to do than hang out with me. I KNOW this is not true, but it still hangs in front of me like a neon sign. It really rips at my self-confidence. Granted, I know my friends are busy with work and such. Who isn't?

My house has felt like a prison, its walls a confining cell. I feel like I can't get out of here. I love my parents dearly and enjoy their company, but I'm ready to be living on my own. I have to get money to do that though. I'm ready to be free and independent and actually feel like the adult I'm becoming. Living in Mount Vernon was the most free I've ever felt, and we were still pretty restricted for a college campus.

Mom told me that my friends probably feel the same way about ME that I do about THEM. She's probably right, as she usually is, but I just can't believe it. I just re-read "Captivating" for the 40928439th time, and it told me that nobody else can play the role I play in my friends' lives. Nobody else can do what I do. Whatever that is, I have no clue, but I know that John and Stasi Eldredge were right. God has made me uniquely me, and that my role and purpose in this world is unique to it. Nobody else is like me. I mustn't get discouraged over a decline at an invitation--people are busy.

Sigh. Lord, help me to know and understand that you have made me uniquely ME. Give me the courage and strength to put my heart out there again for my friends to see. I need you.

Thoughts

People work to find purpose, but we work because we HAVE a purpose.

No matter how frustrating negativity can be, continue to be a source of optimism.

Sometimes the only thing people need is a hug.

Sometimes people need to know they are loved.

Sometimes people need to know that you care.

Build yourself up from your mistakes.

Mistakes happen. They are a learning experience, not a chance to turn away from the world.

Trials are a part of life. Your life will be much sweeter if you learn from those trials and move on.

What happens in my day should not change who I am, how I feel, or how I act.

Optimism, when used wisely, is a beautiful thing.

Mistakes don't define who you are as a person. They help you choose who you want to be.

Share what you know with humility, and admit it when you don't know something.

God places people in your life for a reason, and those people help you grow.

Just a smile and an encouraging word can make someone's day a thousand times better.

Being real is the best thing you can give to the world.

Simply caring can change someone's life.

Being vulnerable is not always a bad thing; it just means you're more willing to be open with people.

Jesus is love! Always.

Good Things

I've been in this tossing-my-thoughts-around

kind of mood lately and it's made me a bit depressed, so I figured it's time to write about what I am grateful for--the little things in life we don't take the time to recognize. Here goes...

1. Applesauce. Normal kind, berry kind, cinnamon-y kind...any kind of applesauce. Apple juice. Juice boxes. Apple cider, hot or cold.
2. A wonderful, captivating book. A book that catches your attention, ensnares your senses, and places incredible pictures in your mind. One that keeps you thinking far after you're finished. One you learn from.
3. God's timing. It may be confusing, but it's always right.
4. Children. Somehow the image of innocence is remarkably enchanting. Children are the true epitome of joy. When children smile, the sun shines ever brighter. Children are God's message to us that, yes, innocence still does exist in this world.
5. Markers. Coloring with markers. Writing with markers. And crayons. Coloring with crayons in coloring books intended for 4-year-olds.
6. Hiking up a mountain through a rushing river. Slipping on the big rocks in that river. Receiving large and painful bruises from said rocks. Swimming in the pure pools of water. If you haven't done this...find a mountain with a river and do it. It will make you realize how amazing God's creation is.
7. Memories. They change you and mold you into who you are, good or bad. Nostalgia.
8. Scents...of wheat fields in the summertime. Freshly mowed lawns. A bonfire. Suntan lotion. Chlorine. The scent of Mom's cooking. Fresh laundry. Fresh coffee, because old coffee is blah. The smell of the morning. Right after a good rain.
9. The scent of those you love.
10. A best friend. How they share those priceless moments with you. How they cry with you...and hold you while you cry. With whom you can indulge all your secrets and she (or he) won't judge you nor tell those secrets. How you two have those inside jokes which nobody understands. The way you can communicate without words. The way you two have your own language. How she will always love you, till the end of your days. How she would rather die than betray you. Who you know pretty much everything about. How you know her so well that you can tell what she's thinking.
11. Pictures. Whoever said that pictures are worth a thousand words was dead on. The way pictures can capture so much in one second. The way they can show hundreds of emotions.
12. Laughter. The beauty of pure giddiness. Bonding shared between friends while laughing. The fact that every time you laugh, your brain produces more endorphins, which in turn makes you even happier. Plus, you lose calories.
13. A good hug. There's not much that can compare to an embrace between you and a friend or family member.
14. Art in any form. The innumerable amount of perspectives relative to art. The way art captures you.
15. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, and mouthwash. We are incredibly blessed to have such awesome tools of hygiene--seriously. England doesn't have dental care.
16. MUSIC. It is a beautiful thing that communicates what words alone cannot. There's something about putting words to music that makes those words so much more powerful. Instrumental music. A cappella music. Listening to the blending of unbelievable voices and how those voices seem to be just one voice (that's a mouthful).
17. The sounds of the cello and french horn. The sound of a powerful, passionate, flexible singing voice. A voice raw with emotion.
18. Reaching out to someone only to have them affect you at the same time.
19. Honesty.
20. The way the sun shines through new leaves in the summer.
21. Birth. I can't even describe how beautiful new life is.
22. Unconditional love. The fact that God gives us unconditional love freely and without restraint. The fact that God embodies the word Love. He IS love.
23. Correct spelling and grammar. Wonderfully formed sentences. Poetry. The way words make you think. Big words. Using big words in everyday life.
24. Fall. The irony that God gives us such a marvelous and short season just to help us appreciate it more. Thanksgiving, not just for the food, but the fellowship. Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin anything. Pumpkin-scented candles (which I have in my dorm). The autumn sunsets--they seem to be much more grand this time of year. The changing leaves. Making leaf-piles...then jumping in them. Wearing lots and lots of layers.
25. Automobiles. Those of you who have one: appreciate it. Be grateful for the fact that you can go anywhere whenever you wish. The fact that you have independence in that form. The fact that you can get up and just GO. Some of us don't have that. Thus...appreciate it :)
26. New pens. New notebooks. New planners. New journals, because buying a new one means starting another book (per say) in your life.
27. Joy. The fact that joy is contagious. The way those around you cannot help but be infected by it. The way Jesus freely gives his joy. The way He uses his Children to be vessels of joy. The fact that joy can change people. The fact that joy can never be shut away.
28. Schedules. Having one...and not having one.
29. Running.
30. A homemade meal. Nothin' can beat Mom's cooking.
31. Those people who care enough about you and love you enough to continue investing in your life.
32. Snatching the opportunity to do something for someone, even something small.
33. The Bible, because it is so real. And so true. And that it's God's book.
34. The fact that God has a plan for every one of us. That His plan is perfect.
35. Writing. The awesome way words just seem to pour out when typing or holding a pen. Writing in a journal. Emptying our emotions by writing.
36. The scent of Christmastime. The glittery and shiny glory of a Christmas tree. Curling up in a blanket in front of the fireplace with a mug of cocoa, tea, coffee, or cider...and just being at rest amid the gibberish of the Christmas season. Leaving the tree lights on overnight. Giving gifts...not receiving them.
37. The shining beauty of a fresh snowfall. Waking up to the first snow. Snow days. Snowball fights. Sledding. Untouched snow. Seeing animal's tracks in snow.
38. Feeling a fresh wind and the warm sunshine on your face. How you feel so alive when the sun's rays hit your face.
39. Sushi. Any odd cuisine.
40. Cooking. Inventing my own dishes. Scavenging through the fridge and throwing random things together not knowing if they're going to taste good when combined...then feeling extremely proud that, in fact, those ingredients made a fantastic dish. Food in general. Eating healthily. Being wheat/gluten-free.
41. Having such things as a democracy. Our economy may be in shambles, but we are still the most wealthy country in the world. We are incredibly blessed to live in this country.
42. Keeping a spare copy of the Constitution.
43. Learning. Finding out seemingly useless information that actually just force you to appreciate your surroundings and the intelligence of the human mind. For example: the longest word without duplicate letters is a 15 letter word that is, consequently, uncopyrightable.
44. Deep moral issues. Delving into my heart and mind and questioning--then affirming--my beliefs.
45. People. Helping people. Being with people. Learning about people. Observing people. Discovering all different types of people. Being vulnerable with people. Earning people's trust. Connecting with people through conversation, through music, through a shared experience.
46. That feeling you get when you tell somebody something that just makes you sigh. Releasing stress to someone. Telling someone how you feel...and they don't judge you for it.
47. Having somebody tell you you're beautiful--and they mean it.
48. Being genuine. Meeting genuine people. Proving fake people wrong: genuine people CAN survive in this world. Non-conformity.
49. The way harmony comes so easily. Dissonance. Minors. The fact that harmony makes a melody sound so much deeper. The depth of harmonies.
50. Colors. Mixing colors. Wearing bright colors. Wearing opposite colors, like royal blue and yellow, black and white, purple and red.
51. God. Jesus. Proving that it's a relationship, NOT a religion.

Human Nature

I've been struggling a lot lately with human nature.
Why are we the way we are?
Why are we such selfish, evil beings?

:: I know that the Fall made us this way, but...why do we relish in it? ::

Everything in this world is based off of the market. We sell.
We sell stuff.
We sell our personalities.
We sell ourselves.

Why do we settle for that which is so cheap? And I'm not talking economically here. Why do we place such low worth on the things that should matter most--like our lives? Why does everything have to be marketed?

I have found the irony of ironies: it is sometimes easier to live as a follower of Christ around non-believers.
I would rather be challenged by those who believe differently than I do than be bored in my walk.

Sorry for the lame post.

Beauty

Everything has beauty. We just have to see it.

I'm Tired of This.

I'm so tired of it. I'm so incredibly tired of people pretending to be something they're not. I'm sick of the acting, the lying, the fake-ness, the deception! I can't stand being around these people for much longer. I'm FED UP. I'm frustrated. I think I know 5, maybe 6 people on this campus who are real. Even my friends--the people I trusted, the people I love, the people I respected!--LIE to me. I don't understand.

I guess this is my wake-up call that all of human society is fake. The people I meet will disappoint me. Maybe that's why I have learned not to get too attached to people, because they're fake, and I WILL be disappointed. Maybe that's why I'm so independent. Maybe that's why I attract people who are hurting, people who are upset, high-stress people.

But am I a hypocrite? Am I one of these fake, deceptive people? Do I pretend to be someone else in front of others? Do I cover up my past because I'm ashamed of it, then shame others of the same mistakes I've made because of my guilt? I feel like I don't, but I guess that's not up to me to decide.

Maybe this is why I've changed so much this year. I used to be the social butterfly, always going to parties and always out hanging with people. I used to have lots of friends and preferred hanging out with big groups instead of small. When I was in small groups I always felt uncomfortable. I felt like I had to cover myself up by cracking jokes. Now that I've come here and experienced a little more of the human persona, I've realized so many things about people, so many things about myself. It's kind of ironic because this campus is SO conservative it's ridiculous. Sure, I lean more to the right as far as politics are concerned but not THAT far right. Does that mean conservatives are more liable to be deceptive? No, that would be hypocritical. Maybe it just has to do with our pasts, what we try to cover up, and our perceptions of the things that are "bad."

You know. . . the one thing I am appreciating about this "Spring Revolution" on campus is that the speakers and the worship leaders seem REAL. I was moved to tears again during worship this evening.

I stole one of the posters for this Spring Revolution because I liked it. And most of the event sponsoring/advertising on this campus is lame. Not gonna lie. It's hanging up next to my window. Anyway, these posters say:

"Is brokenness cliché? Is religion redundant?
Why do we even need a revival?
Perhaps these are the questions
you find yourself wondering.
Could our own hardened hearts
be keeping us from living the life God intended?
Perhaps we don't need a revival at all...
We need a revolution."

I love that. It totally speaks it all. We all need a revolution. We think we need revived, but no--we need to be totally revolutionized: a momentous, sweeping change; a cataclysm, convulsion, an upheaval. A sweeping change to sweep aside the pretending, the lies, the deception, the FAKE-NESS.

I dunno, maybe I'm full of crap. Maybe I'm far too much of an idealist for this to be, well. . . real. But I would rather look at life as a positive experience. Is that too much to ask?

No. Life was intended to be lived for God. I see that as a positive thing. Of course . . . our relationship with Christ can be very difficult--even tumultuous at times--but overall it is a beautiful thing.

We need a revolution.

Compliments

Worship is a huge part of my life. It's a part of who I am. I believe that I am most alive when I am singing or playing, leading people to Christ through song. There's something about being there, in that moment . . . the powerful driving beat of the drums, the melodic strum of the guitar, the glorious pounding of the piano . . . lights blaring, heart pounding, an emotional high. Something mere human emotion alone cannot fathom, create or transform.

Need

When I logged on tonight, I didn't really have anything in mind to rant about.

I like to think about the "deep stuff" when I'm alone. There are only a few select people in my life who I feel comfortable talking about my innermost thoughts with. I don't know what it is; my brain just kinda goes numb when other people are around me (when I want to think about the "deep stuff," that is).

Maybe the reason for this is that all of us put up walls when we're around other people, even if those people aren't engaged in conversation with us. We've become afraid. Afraid of being seen. . .of being found. . .of being vulnerable. Maybe this is all due to society. Maybe it's because we've been too hurt in the past, and our walls simply act as our defense mechanisms. Maybe it's because we're trying to fit in. Maybe it's because her parents were too passive and didn't show their love for her. Maybe it's because that boy she dated for two and a half years left her without a backward glance. Maybe it's because his father physically and mentally abused him, and years later, he still cannot live a balanced life. Maybe it's because his mother pressures him too much in school and always wants him to strive for perfection, when she knows all too well that she's taking out her anger, frustration, and hurt from her father not loving her on her son.

Or maybe it's because society has lost what it means to belong.
To have a feeling of belonging.

In Sociology today we discussed the basic human desire to belong. It's what sociologists call the "Mechanical Solidarity Complex," which is a social order in which people are bound together, not by economic interdependence, but by common beliefs, values, and sentiments. It's an order that is very primitive, traditional; not questioned, but followed. Humans used to be this way. Humans used to feel a strong sense belonging and cohesiveness; essentially, being a "WE." Human beings were wired to feel wanted. We require social affiliation, and once we violate that feeling, problems occur.
What happened to this? What fragmented our desire to belong? Was the desire for power, wealth, and status overwhelming for the early leaders of the countries of the world? What happened to the concept of altruism, of being selfless for the benefit of others? Was it technology, making life so easy that we acquire virtually no human interaction?

Karl Marx was wrong. He established communism: Equality for all . . . but only when the owners get more than 85% of all earnings. He believed that communism was a form of equality--that when workers were left to their own devices, they would take care of one another. Marx's most fatal flaw was his misunderstanding of human nature. WE NEED TO BELONG. We need to NEED each other.

If we need to need one another, then why do so many of us fear love?

Why do we run away from our feelings when they are so obviously slapping us in the face? Our pasts, yes . . . our pasts haunt us. Torture us. But we move on. We forgive and forget, not always in that order.

I don't want to fear love. I want to embrace it, whether it's the love for a friend, a family member, or a significant other. If I know I feel it, I want to embrace that, and share it with other people. After all, God is love. I don't want to haphazardly toss my words around like a frisbee, but I do want to commit. I want to commit to love. When I think I feel it, I will pray about it . . . and then I will know. Then I won't be afraid of committing, because I'll know! I've never felt like this before. So much joy pouring from me from seeing a smile, a glance, a laugh . . . the way I feel safe. I've never felt like this before.
But I cannot be afraid of it. My heart wants to be afraid. Part of my heart wants to put up that metal armor because it doesn't want to be pierced again . . . but there's a door in there that wants to crack wiiiiiiiiide open and let it all in!

I will not fear love.
I will teach others that it's okay to belong.
I will be a source of joy.




Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

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A Fresh Start

Okay, so I'm not one to blog. I'm not one to put my heart out there for people to see, but I guess that's the point, isn't it? The Pursuit of Vulnerability. Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing, but so incredibly fragile.

I'm so tired of hiding. I'm tired of being invisible when I don't want to be invisible. I'm tired of the fake-ness in society. I'm tired of how people fear being "found out." I'm tired of the one-word greetings. I'm tired of the passivity. I'm tired of being "looked over" because I am an individual, because I don't "fit in" with the typical teenager. Then again. . . I don't exactly want to fit in. I'm content with who I am. I'm content with who God has made me to be.

I guess I don't understand why so many people lack acceptance of others. Isn't being independent and an individual what everybody is always saying they are? Or is that some strange form OF conformity? Say you're an individual and you'll be generally accepted by others, but actually live an individualistic life?--you get crap.

I don't want to sound like a complaining, spoiled brat. I'm not trying to complain. I'm trying to be vulnerable.
So, since my mind dashes from left to right every ten seconds, I'm switching gears again. . .

This past week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. And for those of you who know me well, I'm a pretty stable person when it comes to emotions. It's not even close to THAT time of the month. It's all due to a big decision I made. I decided to transfer to Stark State this fall to major in Dental Hygiene, which is a HUGE change and something my heart didn't really want to go close to. I think God really wanted to break me. He wanted to pick me apart. Get me close to the nitty-gritty of my life and show me some real truths that I've been trying to ignore. Like, for example, how I thought I was really happy and at peace here at MVNU and that I was just meant to be here. Truth is, that's not the truth. I have not been at peace. Something is missing. My experience here has felt empty, which is not something I like to say openly, especially about such a great school. I suppose MVNU is so much more conservative than I'm used to; the people here simply operate differently than I do. I'm thirsting for MORE. And I think that by showing me these truths, God DID break me. I feel strange--like there's no more wall that goes up when I'm in a social situation, no more cocoon to hide the beauty inside, no metal armor around my heart. I feel vulnerable. It is such a beautiful feeling. Somewhat foreign, but with a non-mistakable beauty nevertheless. I feel like life is so much more precious and that every moment is to be cherished. I feel like I CAN be vulnerable and have NO FEAR. And all this from a college switch? Yeah, I don't get it either, but it happened and I'm so thankful that it did.

The other day in Chapel we sang a few songs for communion, two of which were Never Let Go by Matt Redman and the hymn How Deep the Father's Love. Now. . . it's been a very long time since I've felt passionately moved by anything in Chapel, which I hate to admit (but I'm practicing vulnerability, so I might as well admit it), but this was different. We started to sing Never Let Go and I started to cry. And I don't cry often. I think that was the most liberated I've felt in a really long time. It's like. . . being freed of myself. I've been rid of ME, and now it's just God. Only Him. And I feel vulnerable, but in such an incredible way. I really can't explain it. It's unbelievably frightening, but that's the beauty of it. I don't know what's going to come next--and I don't care. I feel ready to go anywhere God has called me to go. Dental Hygiene, worship, mechanic. . . anywhere.

I've been broken. And it feels right.

"Break this heart
I will live
To carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
Go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name"