A Fresh Start

Okay, so I'm not one to blog. I'm not one to put my heart out there for people to see, but I guess that's the point, isn't it? The Pursuit of Vulnerability. Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing, but so incredibly fragile.

I'm so tired of hiding. I'm tired of being invisible when I don't want to be invisible. I'm tired of the fake-ness in society. I'm tired of how people fear being "found out." I'm tired of the one-word greetings. I'm tired of the passivity. I'm tired of being "looked over" because I am an individual, because I don't "fit in" with the typical teenager. Then again. . . I don't exactly want to fit in. I'm content with who I am. I'm content with who God has made me to be.

I guess I don't understand why so many people lack acceptance of others. Isn't being independent and an individual what everybody is always saying they are? Or is that some strange form OF conformity? Say you're an individual and you'll be generally accepted by others, but actually live an individualistic life?--you get crap.

I don't want to sound like a complaining, spoiled brat. I'm not trying to complain. I'm trying to be vulnerable.
So, since my mind dashes from left to right every ten seconds, I'm switching gears again. . .

This past week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. And for those of you who know me well, I'm a pretty stable person when it comes to emotions. It's not even close to THAT time of the month. It's all due to a big decision I made. I decided to transfer to Stark State this fall to major in Dental Hygiene, which is a HUGE change and something my heart didn't really want to go close to. I think God really wanted to break me. He wanted to pick me apart. Get me close to the nitty-gritty of my life and show me some real truths that I've been trying to ignore. Like, for example, how I thought I was really happy and at peace here at MVNU and that I was just meant to be here. Truth is, that's not the truth. I have not been at peace. Something is missing. My experience here has felt empty, which is not something I like to say openly, especially about such a great school. I suppose MVNU is so much more conservative than I'm used to; the people here simply operate differently than I do. I'm thirsting for MORE. And I think that by showing me these truths, God DID break me. I feel strange--like there's no more wall that goes up when I'm in a social situation, no more cocoon to hide the beauty inside, no metal armor around my heart. I feel vulnerable. It is such a beautiful feeling. Somewhat foreign, but with a non-mistakable beauty nevertheless. I feel like life is so much more precious and that every moment is to be cherished. I feel like I CAN be vulnerable and have NO FEAR. And all this from a college switch? Yeah, I don't get it either, but it happened and I'm so thankful that it did.

The other day in Chapel we sang a few songs for communion, two of which were Never Let Go by Matt Redman and the hymn How Deep the Father's Love. Now. . . it's been a very long time since I've felt passionately moved by anything in Chapel, which I hate to admit (but I'm practicing vulnerability, so I might as well admit it), but this was different. We started to sing Never Let Go and I started to cry. And I don't cry often. I think that was the most liberated I've felt in a really long time. It's like. . . being freed of myself. I've been rid of ME, and now it's just God. Only Him. And I feel vulnerable, but in such an incredible way. I really can't explain it. It's unbelievably frightening, but that's the beauty of it. I don't know what's going to come next--and I don't care. I feel ready to go anywhere God has called me to go. Dental Hygiene, worship, mechanic. . . anywhere.

I've been broken. And it feels right.

"Break this heart
I will live
To carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
Go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name"