Need

When I logged on tonight, I didn't really have anything in mind to rant about.

I like to think about the "deep stuff" when I'm alone. There are only a few select people in my life who I feel comfortable talking about my innermost thoughts with. I don't know what it is; my brain just kinda goes numb when other people are around me (when I want to think about the "deep stuff," that is).

Maybe the reason for this is that all of us put up walls when we're around other people, even if those people aren't engaged in conversation with us. We've become afraid. Afraid of being seen. . .of being found. . .of being vulnerable. Maybe this is all due to society. Maybe it's because we've been too hurt in the past, and our walls simply act as our defense mechanisms. Maybe it's because we're trying to fit in. Maybe it's because her parents were too passive and didn't show their love for her. Maybe it's because that boy she dated for two and a half years left her without a backward glance. Maybe it's because his father physically and mentally abused him, and years later, he still cannot live a balanced life. Maybe it's because his mother pressures him too much in school and always wants him to strive for perfection, when she knows all too well that she's taking out her anger, frustration, and hurt from her father not loving her on her son.

Or maybe it's because society has lost what it means to belong.
To have a feeling of belonging.

In Sociology today we discussed the basic human desire to belong. It's what sociologists call the "Mechanical Solidarity Complex," which is a social order in which people are bound together, not by economic interdependence, but by common beliefs, values, and sentiments. It's an order that is very primitive, traditional; not questioned, but followed. Humans used to be this way. Humans used to feel a strong sense belonging and cohesiveness; essentially, being a "WE." Human beings were wired to feel wanted. We require social affiliation, and once we violate that feeling, problems occur.
What happened to this? What fragmented our desire to belong? Was the desire for power, wealth, and status overwhelming for the early leaders of the countries of the world? What happened to the concept of altruism, of being selfless for the benefit of others? Was it technology, making life so easy that we acquire virtually no human interaction?

Karl Marx was wrong. He established communism: Equality for all . . . but only when the owners get more than 85% of all earnings. He believed that communism was a form of equality--that when workers were left to their own devices, they would take care of one another. Marx's most fatal flaw was his misunderstanding of human nature. WE NEED TO BELONG. We need to NEED each other.

If we need to need one another, then why do so many of us fear love?

Why do we run away from our feelings when they are so obviously slapping us in the face? Our pasts, yes . . . our pasts haunt us. Torture us. But we move on. We forgive and forget, not always in that order.

I don't want to fear love. I want to embrace it, whether it's the love for a friend, a family member, or a significant other. If I know I feel it, I want to embrace that, and share it with other people. After all, God is love. I don't want to haphazardly toss my words around like a frisbee, but I do want to commit. I want to commit to love. When I think I feel it, I will pray about it . . . and then I will know. Then I won't be afraid of committing, because I'll know! I've never felt like this before. So much joy pouring from me from seeing a smile, a glance, a laugh . . . the way I feel safe. I've never felt like this before.
But I cannot be afraid of it. My heart wants to be afraid. Part of my heart wants to put up that metal armor because it doesn't want to be pierced again . . . but there's a door in there that wants to crack wiiiiiiiiide open and let it all in!

I will not fear love.
I will teach others that it's okay to belong.
I will be a source of joy.




Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

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A Fresh Start

Okay, so I'm not one to blog. I'm not one to put my heart out there for people to see, but I guess that's the point, isn't it? The Pursuit of Vulnerability. Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing, but so incredibly fragile.

I'm so tired of hiding. I'm tired of being invisible when I don't want to be invisible. I'm tired of the fake-ness in society. I'm tired of how people fear being "found out." I'm tired of the one-word greetings. I'm tired of the passivity. I'm tired of being "looked over" because I am an individual, because I don't "fit in" with the typical teenager. Then again. . . I don't exactly want to fit in. I'm content with who I am. I'm content with who God has made me to be.

I guess I don't understand why so many people lack acceptance of others. Isn't being independent and an individual what everybody is always saying they are? Or is that some strange form OF conformity? Say you're an individual and you'll be generally accepted by others, but actually live an individualistic life?--you get crap.

I don't want to sound like a complaining, spoiled brat. I'm not trying to complain. I'm trying to be vulnerable.
So, since my mind dashes from left to right every ten seconds, I'm switching gears again. . .

This past week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. And for those of you who know me well, I'm a pretty stable person when it comes to emotions. It's not even close to THAT time of the month. It's all due to a big decision I made. I decided to transfer to Stark State this fall to major in Dental Hygiene, which is a HUGE change and something my heart didn't really want to go close to. I think God really wanted to break me. He wanted to pick me apart. Get me close to the nitty-gritty of my life and show me some real truths that I've been trying to ignore. Like, for example, how I thought I was really happy and at peace here at MVNU and that I was just meant to be here. Truth is, that's not the truth. I have not been at peace. Something is missing. My experience here has felt empty, which is not something I like to say openly, especially about such a great school. I suppose MVNU is so much more conservative than I'm used to; the people here simply operate differently than I do. I'm thirsting for MORE. And I think that by showing me these truths, God DID break me. I feel strange--like there's no more wall that goes up when I'm in a social situation, no more cocoon to hide the beauty inside, no metal armor around my heart. I feel vulnerable. It is such a beautiful feeling. Somewhat foreign, but with a non-mistakable beauty nevertheless. I feel like life is so much more precious and that every moment is to be cherished. I feel like I CAN be vulnerable and have NO FEAR. And all this from a college switch? Yeah, I don't get it either, but it happened and I'm so thankful that it did.

The other day in Chapel we sang a few songs for communion, two of which were Never Let Go by Matt Redman and the hymn How Deep the Father's Love. Now. . . it's been a very long time since I've felt passionately moved by anything in Chapel, which I hate to admit (but I'm practicing vulnerability, so I might as well admit it), but this was different. We started to sing Never Let Go and I started to cry. And I don't cry often. I think that was the most liberated I've felt in a really long time. It's like. . . being freed of myself. I've been rid of ME, and now it's just God. Only Him. And I feel vulnerable, but in such an incredible way. I really can't explain it. It's unbelievably frightening, but that's the beauty of it. I don't know what's going to come next--and I don't care. I feel ready to go anywhere God has called me to go. Dental Hygiene, worship, mechanic. . . anywhere.

I've been broken. And it feels right.

"Break this heart
I will live
To carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
Go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name"